I've been dreaming a lot lately. Vivid dreams that wither beautifully as soon as I regain consciousness, but leave a strong shadow of feeling behind them. Sadness. Surprise. Anxiety. I dreamed about you again. Well not really about you. I dreamt that you texted me. I got excited because you texted me in a dream. How pathetic. I hope this is just my mind trying to solve things for me. Trying to make it all better by working through the conscious emotions I don't understand in the safety of a subconscious setting. Maybe I will wake up one day and not feel the twinges anymore. No more twinges of regret. Or desire. The desire is the worst. Can't stop my body from daydreaming, or night dreaming. Can't stop it. I wanted to text you back on Friday. I wanted to let you know that you were wrong.
Fingers fumbling
Why is it so hard to focus?
Hands? Mouths?
Forget forget
It's over
Chance gone
Move on
Or pretend

But did I really want that chance? It wasn't really a chance. Just torture. Dangle yourself in front of me and look vulnerable for a minute, it might make me forget the bad times. It did. I want to believe in love at first sight or at least love the first time you date. None of this back and forth shit. Its over of course. I shouldn't wallow. They say that passion needs an obstacle. So I'm going to label this passion. No love here. I have to believe love is smarter than this. To believe that I could recognize love when I feel it.

"Whoever it is you fall in love with the first time,
not just love but be in love with,
is the one who will always make you angry,
the one you can't be logical about.
It may be that you are settled in another place,
it may be that you are happy,
but the one who took your heart wields final power."
Villanelle in Jeanette Winterson's The Passion

Thanks for the reminder Cali baby.

 We're not the same, dear
As we used to be
The seasons have changed
And so have we
And there was little we could say
And even less that we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner
Under me and you

to www.postsecret.com

So much to do, so little left to say

It's so very late... I know, but after reading back in my livejournal entries a good fours years I feel that it's finally time for another real update on my life. As you already know if you checked the date on this entry, it is currently the summer of 2008, and I am sitting on the brink of my final days in the good ol' CYP. Four full days left until I pack up everything of moderate value to me and ship off to Austin Texas to become another frazzled and fully broke freshman at UT. The course load looks daunting but, I like to believe that I am up to the challenge. This summer has been a total blur, from my intensely wonderful experience at Bonnaroo, all the way through my final mission trip to Longmont Colorado (with crazy Kristen and her abundance of life experience). The majority of my high school seems to have shipped off already (with the exception of my fellow UTers) and I find myself strangely ill at ease here where home no longer seems to be. I'm kind of sick of transition right now... this waiting process has me bouncing on the balls of my mental feet as I simply will this discomfort to be over, for my own adjustment to be complete. Blah this is a boring entry! Sorry guys, I'll try to ease up on the sentimental crap... how about some more short term updatage? Here it goes:
Today I went bowling with a small group from church... Megan, Clint, Chris and Jayson were the only ones present aside from myself, but it was an extremely enjoyable time. Not only did we get to christen everyone with immature nicknames for the bowling scoreboard, we got to enjoy the entertainment of goading Megan to the point of insanity (taking her ball as she swung it backwards to bowl and teasing her for drinking legally in Mexico on her cruise). Afterwards, everyone stuffed themselves to near explosion at Chili's and trash talked everyone from Sunday school (jk... kind of). Clint then talked us into watching Definitely, Maybe which turned out to be quite charming in the most confusing of ways. All that partying too up the majority of my day, but luckily I had time to spare a drive down to Bellaire for some quality Martin time. We saw Tropic Thunder (surprisingly hilarious) and afterwards enjoyed some caffeinated conversation with Martin's friend Roger at S'bucks. The drive home was rainy but mostly uneventful and slow-going aside from the driving impaired sedan that decided last minute to not cut me off right before the toll plaza (thoughtful of him eh?). Things kind of got heated once I got home due to my brother and his usual position on the brink of disaster... but I don't think there's enough room in this entry to really get started on that. Basically, I love him but I really dislike him right now, and I hope for my parents sake that a pan drops out of the sky, nails him in the head, and knocks some fucking sense into him before he gets this entire family into danger, or worse: gets himself killed. Anywhoo, it's late and I don't wish to be totally useless tomorrow sooo... SEEYA!

Not sure why I attract the worst of them.
The uncaring and internally unattractive;
Those teeming with eternally selfish intentions,
Plagued with immaturity and questionable motives.
The ones who never know the right thing to say,
That never create flocks of butterflies to barrage my insides,
Nor fireworks upon my features.
I've forgotten how to feel when real feelings exist.
Forgotten that subtle and unwavering happiness
Associated with the comfort of another heart pulsating in beat to my own.

Not sure why love doesn't believe in me anymore

I would like to sleep today away
Forget all the mistakes I've made
Be numb to every single pain
So please God let it rain this day

Against all odds we made it back to where none of us would like to be.
Air conditioning feels almost unnatural against my skin,
and the smell of fresh laundry doesn't hold the same value anymore.
Back to this reality of work and social order that I can never seem to overcome.
Orientation next week;
Setting up the next four years of life shouldn't feel so ominous.